SCENE A

INT. WILL AND GRACE'S APARTMENT - EVENING

THE APARTMENT APPEARS EMPTY. WILL ENTERS.

WILL

They had eyepatches!

HE IS FULL-ON DRESSED AS A PIRATE; POOFY-SLEEVED SHIRT, HEAD SCARF, SABRE, ETC., AND NOW, EYEPATCH. HE GOES TO THE MIRROR AND PRIMPS, TRYING OUT DIFFERENT PIRATE PROPS.

WILL (CONT'D)

I got the last one, too. I was about to break down and just get a gauze one from the medical supply store, but then I figured I'd spend the whole night explaining I was a pirate who'd just recently poked his eye out last week. ( HOLDING BOTH ITEMS ) Wooden leg or hook?

GRACE

(O.C., FROM BEDROOM) Umm, pros and cons?

WILL

Well, the wooden leg makes me look taller, but tying my foot up behind my ass doesn't exactly make for a flattering ass - which is my favorite Aesop's fable, by the way – “The Flattering Ass.” The hook's actually kind of sexy, but it gets really sweaty, and frankly, after a while, doesn't smell so good.

GRACE

(O.C., FROM BEDROOM) Can you do both?

WILL

Yeah, because that'll impress Josh. An eyepatch, a lumpy ass, and a hand that smells like a foot. ( MOVING TO KITCHEN ) You want a glass of wine?

GRACE ENTERS , DRESSED AS JEANNIE FROM I DREAM OF JEANNIE . SHE IS CARRYING A CAULKING GUN.

GRACE

Yes. It's in the Tupperware bowl. I needed the bottle.

WILL

Hey, that came out good!

WILL POURS THEM WINE.

GRACE

Thanks. It's my old Queen Esther costume from the Beth Shalom Purim Megillah-thon ...plus a whole bunch of pink dye. ...Don't use the middle washing machine for a few days.

WILL

So where is Jeannie's bottle?

GRACE

Eh, that didn't come out so good. That fabric trim I wanted around the bottom is supposed to be self-adhesive but it's really not. And we didn't have any glue.

WILL

So you were going to use the plumber's sealant?

GRACE

Well, at first I figured I'd just press it really hard with my fingers, but that wasn't doing anything, so then I thought, “Why not caulk?” but that would just be too messy, don't you think?

A BEAT.

WILL

...I felt that way too initially, Grace, but it really is worth it.

GRACE

Ugh, I can't even joke about that stuff. It's been way too long. I've even started to have dreams about that cute hot dog vendor in Union Sq.

WILL

The seventeen-year-old with the “Ask me about my wiener” button?

GRACE

In the dream he's eighteen. ...So who's going to be at this party anyway? Besides Douglas Fairybanks and I Dream of Weenie ?

WILL

Mostly Josh's friends from this volunteer organization. I've met one of them. She was nice, but she kept trying to sell me ribbon candy to benefit some pediatric cancer center, and I'm sorry but who likes ribbon candy? ...Did that sound shallow?

GRACE

A little bit.

WILL

Yeah. Remind me not to say stuff like that tonight. Especially in front of Josh.

GRACE

Ok, what is it with you falling over yourself trying to impress this guy? This'll be what, your fifth date? Don't you think he's at least a little impressed already?

WILL

I know. It's just that he's so good , you know? It's like, if you spent the afternoon eating marshmallow peeps, he spent it teaching Nigerian teenagers to build aqueducts.

GRACE

Sounds like he's got a little superiority thing.

WILL

No, that's just it. He's really modest and sweet, and this whole trying to impress him thing is completely self-imposed.

GRACE

Will, this may be news to you but you are a very good person. I'm sure Josh can see that or he wouldn't want to be spending so much time with you.

WILL

Thanks, Gracie. I know, I'm not evil . I just feel superficial when I'm standing next to someone as good as Josh. Maybe if I could just flank myself with someone really shallow, I'd balance out.

JACK ENTERS.

JACK

Make way, people. Papa's got a big bundle.

HE IS TRAILING A BIG SUITCASE-ON-WHEELS BEHIND HIM, AND IS DRESSED LIKE TOM CRUISE FROM “TOP GUN;” BOMBER JACKET, WHITE T-SHIRT, AVIATOR SUNGLASSES, ETC.

JACK (CONT'D)

So, anybody wanna guess?

GRACE

Honey, when you walk like that, no one needs to guess.

JACK

While lesser divas like yourselves commit to a mere one persona for Halloween – ( REFERRING TO WILL AND GRACE, RESPECTIVELY ) chubby fortune teller, drag queen dressed as Alladin – Jack has decided to broaden his scope to encompass an entire career. Within this suitcase lies … ( UNSURE ) lays?

WILL

Lies…

JACK

-lies the career-spanning wardrobe of one of my top 17 celebrity personas, Mr. Tom Cruise.

WILL

Oh, I can smell the lawsuit from here.

JACK

Now I'm going to have to meet you there because I have to stop and get the wheels on my rolly-bag re-aligned. (WHEELING IT BACK AND FORTH – IT'S VEERING TO THE LEFT ). I packed it so full it won't ever go straight again.

A BEAT. GRACE LOOKS TO WILL, READY TO MAKE A COMMENT ON THE DOUBLE ENTENDRE, BUT WILL GESTURES TO ABANDON IT – TOO EASY.

GRACE

So how many costume changes do you have?

JACK

( REFERRING TO HIS SUITCASE) Nine. I had to lose “The Firm” because my zipper was bursting, but I still had room for “A Few Good Men.”

GRACE

…See, if he keeps doing that-

WILL

( OVERLAPPING ) I know. Just let it go.

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