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Magic
Mystery Millions Sketch
©
2004 Joe Smith
SPLASHY
GAME SHOW SET, ADORNED BY THREE BIG, PEACH-COLORED M'S ON A WIDE
PEDASTAL. CHEESEBALL MUSICAL OPENING.
VOICE-OVER
ANNOUNCER
And
now, the show that asks questions and the contestants try to
answer them, Magic Mystery Millions – with your host, Biiiiiiilll
Fontaaaiiiinnne!
BILL,
SMOKING A CIGARETTE, ENTERS TO CANNED APPLAUSE AND CHEERS, WHICH
HE CUTS SHARPLY WITH A HAND GESTURE.
BILL
Thank
you and welcome to Magic Mystery Millions. Let's get right to
it and meet our contestants. Contestant number one became a
national celebrity at age seven as the youngest employee of
the Jet Propulsion Laboratory, where he currently consults on
new space missions. He's also well on his way to breaking the
world record for spending the longest period of time encased
completely in aluminum foil, please welcome Jerry Crenshaw!
ENTER
JERRY, IN ALUMINUM FOIL SUIT, AGAIN TO CANNED MUSIC, WHICH BILL
CUTS SHARPLY WITH A GESTURE. JERRY HAS A SLIGHTLY PAINED BUT HUGE
SMILE.
BILL
How
are you, Jerry?
JERRY
Great,
Bill.
BILL
Now
Jerry, I was recently reading my box of aluminum foil at home,
and I noticed that written on it was a warning saying “Do Not
Cover Entire Oven Shelf – Harmful Heat Concentration Will Result.”
JERRY
That's
right, Bill. The Consumer Rights Act of 1986 contains a specific
regulation regarding prominent notification of the results of
product misuse, and this does apply to aluminum foil.
BILL
So
does this mean that there's a chance of harmful heat concentration
within your suit?
JERRY
Right
again, Bill. As a matter of fact, the temperature in my specially
designed suit is maintained at a level that keeps me in almost
constant pain.
BILL
Fantastic!
Our next contestant has one of the fastest pitching arms in
the Women's National Baseball League, and has also won huge
public support for her very personal battle with Bleeding Eye
Syndrome, please welcome Elaine Bivenshwack!
CHEESY
MUSIC AGAIN. ELAINE ENTERS, WITH WIDE-OPEN, CONSTANTLY BLEEDING
EYES (SWIM-GOGGLES PAINTED TO LOOK LIKE EYEBALLS AND RIGGED WITH
BLOOD CHUTES?). SHE DRAGS ALONG AN I.V. STAND CARRYING A BLOOD BAG
WHICH IS ATTACHED TO HER ARM BY A TUBE.
BILL
Welcome
Elaine.
ELAINE
Hi
Bill.
BILL
So
I've been hearing a lot about that golden arm of yours, Elaine.
ELAINE
Thanks,
Bill.
BILL
Now
tell me, exactly how fast-
BAM!
HE IS HIT IN THE FOREHEAD WITH
A BASEBALL. WE CUT OVER TO ELAINE, WHO'S BRUSHING HER HANDS OFF,
VERY PROUD OF HERSELF.
BILL
(STILL
THE JOVIAL HOST) Wow, that's pretty fast. Now Elaine, tell us
about your brave battle with Bleeding Eye Syndrome, and about
the disorder itself. What are the symptoms?
ELAINE
(CONTINUOUSLY
BLEEDING, BLOOD GOING EVERYWHERE) Well, Bill, B.E.S. only affects
about one out of every 2 billion people. There are actually
only three of us in the world. It's caused by the absence of
a neuro-chemical called Sylloxin, which essentially tells the
brain not to shoot blood out the eyes, a chemical
I was unfortunately born without.
BILL
Well,
Elaine, thanks for-OWWW!
ANOTHER
BASEBALL HAS HIT HIM IN THE HEAD.
BILL
(CONT'D)
(STILL
JOVIAL) You got me again. Very sneaky.
ELAINE
It's
what I'm known for, Bill. (BLOOD IS STILL GUSHING OUT OF HER
EYES) I'd also just like to quickly say that I've been a fan
of the show for years, and it's a real treat to be here. …I
don't mean to gush.
BILL
Well,
I certainly appreciate the sentiment. And finally, our third
contestant, a very special treat here for our loyal viewers;
fourteen-year-old pop sensation, Chastity!
SHE
ENTERS. ONE OF HER POP SONGS PLAYS, ALONG WITH THE CANNED APPLAUSE
AND SOME CATCALLS. SHE'S A PRETTY YOUNG TEENAGER WEARING A CHILDLIKE
BUT VERY SEXY & REVEALING OUTFIT.
BILL
Hi
there Chastity.
CHASTITY
(GIGGLY
AND HIGH ENERGY) Hi Mr. Fontaine!
BILL
Tell
us what projects you have going on right now, Chastity.
CHASTITY
Well,
my new album “Rocking Horse” is coming out next week, and it
features a song about being modest and not taking compliments
too seriously. It's called “Come On, My Face Ain't That
Pretty!”
BILL
Come
On My Face Ain't That Pretty - that sounds like a fun song.
CHASTITY
It's
very fun. Plus, I have a new soft drink coming out called Chastity
Cherry Pop, and a new adventure movie for kids about outer space
travel called “I Like It In The Asteroid Belt.”
THERE
ARE SOME MORE CAT CALLS. CHASTITY REMAINS SMILING AND UTTERLY CLUELESS.
CHASTITY
What?
What?
BILL
Well,
welcome all three of you and get ready, we're about to play…
Magic Mystery Millions!
CHEESEBALL
MUSIC – BILL LIGHTS UP ANOTHER CIGARETTE ENDS THE MUSIC ABRUPTLY
WITH A GESTURE.
BILL
The
first category is…
THE
GAMEBOARD LIGHTS UP WITH A GRID OF NINE SQUARES, AND A TITLE CARD
ABOVE IT, NOW READING “SCIENCE.”
BILL
Science!
Now, Elaine, you won the coin toss, so you go first.
ELAINE
I'll
take square number six, Bill.
SQUARE
NUMBER SIX LIGHTS UP, OR DIMS OUT OR WHATEVER, AND BILL READS THE
CORRESPONDING QUESTION. ALL OF THE FOLLOWING QUESTIONS WILL WORK
THIS WAY.
BILL
Using
the Kilton Scale of Metallic Properties, as modified by the
findings of the 1989 Conference of Metallurgists at Helsinki
, what is the malleability rating
of… aluminum foil?
JERRY
IS AUDIBLY UPSET AT THIS QUESTION NOT BEING HIS.
ELAINE
Oh
boy, uh… four?
BILL
That's
correct!
CHEESY
“CORRECT ANSWER” MUSIC. ELAINE JUMPS UP AND DOWN, SPRAYING BLOOD
EVEN FURTHER. SHE GETS SOME ON CHASTITY.
ELAINE
Oh,
sorry, Chastity.
CHASTITY
That's
okay. I manage to get stuff spurted onto my clothes all the
time. (MORE CATCALLS) …What? You guys!
BILL
The
board is still yours, Elaine.
ELAINE
I'll
take square number… five.
BILL
Thomas
Edison invented the phonograph in 1877. When was the invention
of… aluminum foil?
JERRY
IS EVEN MORE AGHAST AT NOT GETTING THIS QUESTION FOR HIMSELF.
ELAINE
Oh,
er… I don't really, uh… 1902?
BILL
Correct
again!
MORE
CHEESY “CORRECT ANSWER” MUSIC.
BILL
That's
two in a row, Elaine. Care to go for a third?
HER
EYE BLOOD NOW SOAKS HER ENTIRE OUTFIT AS WELL AS HER PODIUM.
ELAINE
You
know it Bill, I'll take number one!
BILL
When
taking a walk in the woods, you wouldn't want to encounter Toxicodendron
radicans. What is it?
ELAINE
Uh…
a bear?
BILL
I'm
sorry, that's incorrect. The question is up for grabs.
BOTH
JERRY AND CHASTITY BUZZ IN, BUT CHASTITY IS QUICKER.
BILL
Chastity?
CHASTITY
Poison
Ivy?
BILL
That's
right!
MUSIC
BILL
Very
good, Chastity. How did you know that?
CHASTITY
I've
been in the Girl Scouts since I was ten.
SOME
YOUNG GIRLS IN THE AUDIENCE CHEER. CHASTITY DOES THE OLD THREE-FINGERED
GIRL SCOUT SALUTE.
CHASTITY
That's
right girls – stick three fingers right up there!
MORE
CATCALLS. ONCE AGAIN, CHASTITY IS BEWILDERED. DING DING DING – A
BELL
GOES OFF.
BILL
Oh
boy, you know what that means Chastity. That last question was
a bonus treasure question !
BONUS
TREASURE QUESTION MUSIC. CHASTITY, GLEEFUL, COMES DOWN TO WHERE
BILL STANDS.
BILL
Now
you know how this works, each of our three M's contains a different
fabulous prize. Pick which one you think has the best, and rub
away the secret layer to reveal your bonus treasure!
BONUS
TREASURE MUSIC BEGINS, AND CHASTITY EXCITEDLY WALKS BEHIND THE WAIST-HIGH
PEDASTAL WITH THE THREE BIG PEACH-COLORED M'S, TRYING TO CHOOSE
WHICH ONE MIGHT HAVE THE BEST PRIZE. SHE FINALLY SETTLES ON THE
MIDDLE ONE, AND GETS UP CLOSE BEHIND IT. SHE REACHES DOWN TO THE
BOTTOM MIDDLE POINT OF THE M AND STARTS TO RUB.
THE
M, AT THAT HEIGHT AND WITH CHASTITY'S TORSO BEHIND IT, BEGINS TO
SUSPICIOUSLY RESEMBLE SPREAD LEGS. SHE RUBS EXCITEDLY, AND THE CATCALLS
BEGIN AGAIN.
CHASTITY
This
is so exciting!
BILL
Yeah?
CHASTITY
Oh
yeah, I love this!
BILL
It's
good, huh? You like that? Are you getting excited? You like
it when-
BAM!
A BASEBALL HITS HIM IN THE
BACK OF THE HEAD. WE CUT TO ELAINE, WHO'S LOOKING BEHIND HER AS
IF TO SAY “WHERE DID THAT COME FROM?” CHASTITY CONTINUES TO RUB.
CHASTITY
Yes.
Yes! YES! Ohh! Yea! (A PICTURE IS REVEALED) A Jetski!
CHASTITY
WALKS BACK TO HER PODIUM.
BILL
A
Jet-ski sounds good to you, does it Chastity?
CHASTITY
Oh
yes.
BILL
(BAITING
FOR MORE) You ride it, and everything's wet… you know…
CHASTITY
(AGREEING)
Mm hmm.
BILL
LOOKS OVER AND SEES THAT ELAINE IS SURREPTITIOUSLY WAITING WITH
ANOTHER BASEBALL, AND A LOOK OF WARNING IN HER EYE.
BILL
Okay,
moving along, we've got Elaine with 2000, Chastity with 700,
and Jerry with nothing. Are you sure you're okay, Jerry? Is
the heat in that suit a little too much for you?
JERRY
(A
LITTLE FRUSTRATED WITH BILL) No Bill. Although the heat in the
suit is almost unbearable, I am ready to play.
BILL
Well,
that's good to hear Jerry, because as the underdog thusfar,
it's time for you to have your chance to catch up in… The
Spotlight Round .
SPOTLIGHT
ROUND MUSIC.
BILL
(CONT'D)
You'll
have thirty seconds to give as many correct answers as you can.
The category is Movies, and here's the first question-
ALL
THE LIGHTS IN THE STUDIO HAVE DIMMED, EXCEPT FOR A SPOTLIGHT ON
JERRY, WHICH SHINES WITH AN ASTOUNDING INTENSITY. WE HEAR A CLOCK
TICKING NOISE AS THE QUESTIONS BEGIN.
BILL
(CONT'D)
In
1933 Katherine Hepburn starred in what movie adaptation of a
Louisa May Alcott novel?
JERRY
Little
Women.
BILL
Correct.
What first time screenwriter won an Oscar for Rocky ?
JERRY
Sylvester
Stallone.
THE
HEAT FROM THE SPOTLIGHT IS OBVIOUSLY GETTING TO JERRY. IT GETS WORSE
AS THE ROUND PROGRESSES.
BILL
Correct.
Chris Farley and David Spade made two movies together. Tommy
Boy was one. What was the other?
JERRY
(SWAYING)
…Black Sheep.
BILL
Correct.
Susan Sontag's 1974 film Promised Lands was shot in
what Middle Eastern Country?
JERRY
…hard
to breathe.
BILL
No,
I'm sorry. The answer is Israel
. …In Dr. Dolittle 2 ,
Kevin Pollack plays the voice of Riley, who is what kind of
animal?
JERRY
…hyperthermia…
BILL
An
alligator. …A typical 35mm film projector runs at how many frames
per second?
JERRY
…Irreversible
heart damage.
BILL
Twenty-four.
Who described the Cannes Film Festival as an “apolitical no-man's
land?”
JERRY
…I
love you Gregory. Feed the fish.
WHUMP!
HE FALLS TO THE GROUND, DEAD.
BILL
Judges?
I'm sorry, we cannot accept that. The answer is French artist
and writer Jean Cocteau. Jean Cocteau.
THE
LIGHTS GO BACK TO NORMAL .
BILL
Well,
as usual on Magic Mystery Millions, upon the death of one contestant,
the champion between remaining two will be determined by… wrestling
match!
WRESTLING
MUSIC BEGINS. ELAINE UNPLUGS HERSELF FROM HER I.V. BLOOD BAG AND
COMES DOWN TO THE CENTER PART OF THE STAGE, AS DOES CHASTITY. A
BOXING RING IS WHEELED OUT.
BILL
The
ring is a regulation professional wrestling quadrangle, and
comes courtesy of WhisperCloud, the softest bathroom tissue
money can buy.
THE
TWO WOMEN BOTH GET IN THE RING AND IMMEDIATELY START WRESTLING.
BILL COMMENTATES.
BILL
Oh,
and Elaine doesn't waste any time taking a charge at Chastity,
but she's too quick for her, and reverses the move, getting
Elaine in a full Nelson (THIS MOVE FORCES MORE BLOOD TO SHOOT
OUT OF ELAINE'S EYES). Oh, look at that blood spurt! But Elaine
wriggles out and takes Chastity to the mat.
AS
THE WRESTLING MATCH CONTINUES, THE TWO BECOME INCREASINGLY SOAKED
IN BLOOD, UNTIL THEY ARE BOTH SLIPPERY WITH IT. SOME CREW MEMBERS
BEGIN TO PULL UP CHAIRS AND APPLE BOXES, SOME EVEN HAVE SNACKS,
AND WATCH INTENTLY.
BILL
Elaine
appears to have the superior strength, but Chastity, with her
lithe, supple, youthful body, is more flexible and dexterous.
She gets Elaine in a leglock and squeezes like there's no tomorrow.
Folks, it looks like this could go on for a while (SIGNALLING
TO THE BOOTH TO START THE MUSIC, WHICH IT DOES), so we're going
to have to let you know who wins next time on Magic Mystery
Millions. Until then, remember the magic, remember the mystery,
remember the millions – good night!
MUSIC
RISES AND THEY CONTINUE TO WRESTLE IN MORE AND MORE SEXUAL POSITIONS,
AS WE FADE OUT.
THE
END
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